Dating, Courting and ASD

Jamie and I did not date each other. Or court. We weren't Christians. It was 1982 and we just went practically straight to living together. We have no experience of doing things a different way. And we were very lucky. Despite the statistics, our relationship lasted. After 7 years of living together and being perfectly happy about that, we discovered a practical/ tax advantage to being married. So we had a lovely wedding. That was nice, but we had already been committed to each other so it didn't feel much different. Then we had children which further cemented our relationship (and tested it almost beyond endurance!)

However, our real marriage didn't start until we both became Christians ten years ago. Then God united us in ways we couldn't have anticipated. Just as well, since I became very ill for years with depression and anxiety soon afterwards. Now, I know I am healed at last, our marriage has been strengthened and we are, I have to say, extremely happy now. In fact, a little like newlyweds at the moment, as God continues to bless our marriage with new and delightful phases of growth.

So, we've been thinking for some years about how to handle the issues of dating, courting, finding a life-partner with regard to our children. Though our own marriage has survived an ungodly start (God redeemed it and us), we wanted something better for our own children. We wanted to follow God's plan for the children's lives. We decided we would discourage our children from dating at all. Although it is the norm for our culture, both christian and non-christian, we see it as disaster. It's nothing more than Practicing For Divorce. I won't go into why we believe that to be the case right now, but may elaborate on that another time.

We've investigated the courtship model and, in theory, it's great. We only know about the theory, however. We've never seen it in practice, let alone experienced it. The kids agreed with us that this is the model they would like. They would not be spending time alone with anyone, going on 'dates', cuddling, sitting on laps, kissing or any other many acts of intimacy they see, even within the church's youth group, with anyone. IF they *really* thought that God may be calling them towards marriage with a particular person, then we'd talk as families and work out how to proceed from there. And that's as far as we've thought things out. {g}

In some ways, for Grace, this was purely theoretical. A year ago, a respected neuro-psychologist told us point-blank that Grace's disability meant that she was 'unlikely ever to marry' and certainly would not be able to raise a baby. Though this was a gut-wrenching blow, we felt deep down that she was right. Grace is unable to give back what others need in relationships. The classic Triad of Impairments (social, communication and lack of flexibility of thought) of Autism make it very unlikely that anyone would ever love our beautiful but strange only daughter. Apart from us. It just about broke our hearts.

And yet. And yet, to be married, with babies, is Grace's deepest and most long-standing desire. She has been praying for a husband since she was a very little girl. We have been praying that if it's God's plan for her to marry that He would be protecting and guiding this young man and equipping him to care for someone like Grace.

Last week, for the first time, someone asked Grace out. On a date. {sigh} She likes him and wanted to go, but knew that it was not in accordance with the No Dating Policy she'd signed up to, so she asked for advice as to how to handle it. {g} He's a great young man, following the Lord and from a wonderful Christian family. Jamie had to explain that Grace was 'a little young' to date. He was surprised, but hopefully not offended. Have we done the right thing? What if this was the young man we'd all been praying for? What if no one ever asks her again? We're pretty sure we've done the right thing. It is an encouragement though, that someone, at least, has noticed Grace's sweet character, her modesty and gentleness and the fact that she's attempting to live a godly life. Perhaps she'll prove that neuro-psych wrong one day!

Jack, on the other hand, is a different kettle of fish. He's so outgoing and socially capable he has many friends and has attracted many a young female. Many, many times Grace has been asked to mediate between him and hopeful girls. Yes, I know 13 is ridiculously early for girls to be expecting to date. But, in this culture (in our church!) this is the norm!!!

Jack is relieved to be following the No Dating policy. He's not interested in having a girlfriend draped round his neck as other boys do. For a start, how would he be able to throw a javelin like that? Or do a back flip? Or play his electric guitar? {g} At the moment, girls are appealing to him, but not so appealing that he wouldn't find them an encumbrance. And he manages to resist the culture that says, 'No girlfriend? You must be gay, then.' The first time someone said that to him, he was at Scouts and he just laughed. He was ten! He knows he's not gay but he does not feel the pressure to prove it, as so many of his friends do, by having a girlfriend. I'm proud of the way he handles himself.

Each phase of parenting brings new challenges! And parenting the teenage girl with ASD more challenges than we'd like, but God, the loving Father of all his children will help us.