New Year's Resolutions?

I tried this last year and failed. I wanted to be thinner, fitter, more disciplined, a better mother and wife, kinder and less moany. I failed miserably.

And the year before.

Where is my resolve? How is it that a person can be SO lacking in self-discipline?

This is how it always goes.
1. I resolve to change something about myself which really needs changing.
2. I start to fail.
3. I lose self-respect.
4. I hate myself for a lack of self-discipline.
5. I give up.
6. I decide never to resolve anything again.

And that's the yearly pattern.{g}

Having finally noticed that this is a pattern, I've been thinking a great deal about the whole subject of resolutions, change, self-discipline and so on.

I think the desire to change is deeply rooted in our personalities by God. God puts in us a desire for Him. Since He is good, just and holy, we desire that for ourselves. We want to become more like Him. Since we have sinful natures, it is very hard for us, even with the Holy Spirit's help.

Striving for something better is a function of our faith, I think.

However, sometimes we can be misled into thinking that if we were better somehow, better women, better mothers, daughters, wives, Christians, housekeepers etc etc then God would love us MORE. If only I could read my Bible more, pray more diligently, not grumble, embrace my sufferings etc then God would love me more! It's important to remember, though, when we fail (and we will), that there is nothing we can do to make God love us more (or love us less). That is the point of Grace.

For me, this has been a truth obscured for me. That God loves me passionately just the way I am. Don't get me wrong, He wants me to change and become more like Jesus, that's definitely part of His perfect plan for me. BUT, He loves me right now, even when I shout at my children, when I forget to pray, if I do not clean my bath for weeks on end. In fact, even if I was the only person who ever lived He loves me so much that He would have sent His son to die for me.

I was reading Stasi Eldridge's book Captivating, recently. I'm going to copy out a passage that I found quite amazing.

"Reading George MacDonald several years ago, I came across and astounding thought. You've probably heard that there is in every human heart a place that God alone can fill. (Lord knows we've tried to fill it with everything else to our utter dismay.) But what the old poet was saying was that there is also in God's heart a place that you alone can fill. 'It follows that there is also a chamber in God himself, into which none can enter but the one, the individual.' You. You are meant to fill a place in the heart of God no one and nothing else can fill. Whoa. He longs for you."

I don't know about you, but that knocked me for six.

This means that in my failures, in my lack of self-discipline, in my seeming inability to become the person I want to be, I am still LONGED FOR by a great and perfect God.

Maybe I will come up with some resolutions for this year. {g} But maybe I will call them Grace-filled Goals. Maybe if I can remember that God loves every inch of me, I won't feel like eating comfort food. If I recall how precious I am to Him, I will take better care of myself. If I can really *believe* that I am love-able I might be able to behave in a more loving way to those around me.

Hey, it's worth a try!