Conventional Parenting Wisdom

Conventional parenting wisdom goes thus:

Once you've taught a child how to do a household chore and helped them, by working alongside them for a while, that should be enough. You instruct, then inspect and then expect it to be done to the correct standard.

Many times, I've heard this kind of advice: If they don't make their beds properly, they'll be uncomfortable and they'll soon learn to do it right. Mmmm.

I've taught, and retaught, my daughter to do basic chores yet she just doesn't seem to be able to figure them out. If she irons some item of clothing, then it ends up more crumpled than when she began. If she attempts to cook, something WILL get spilled down the side of the oven. When she washes dishes, I have to stand by with the band-aids as a glass will often get broken.

When she was younger, I used to get angry with her. How can you not know this won't work? I would think. She doesn't seem to have a practical understanding of the laws of physics, the kinds of instinctive things we, most of us, take for granted. For eg, that the very tip of the knife is not the best part of it for scraping chopped onions off a chopping board and into the pan. Instead of using the flat of the knife to make this job quick she will always use the tip and do each individual piece of onion individually, escorting it safely into the pan.

She'll also put the dishes away in some very odd places. For years, I've been asking her to put all the pans and metal cookware etc together in the cupboard under the sink. But the metal grater always ends up stuffed into the herb and pasta cupboard. I ask her why she does this and she says because she thought it went there. I think she uses some kind of very logical (to her) classification system. It's just time-consuming for me when I want to cook and can't hunt down the item I need. If I call her and ask her where she put it, she will invariably know where. it's just not where I keep it.{g}

People with Autistic Spectrum Disorder think in unusual ways. I just wish I had more understanding of the way she thinks, so that I can help her better. The way she thinks about most things is personal, unusual, hard for me to appreciate, though often creative and more daring than me.

After years of leaving her to make her own bed in the morning, I assumed that she had finally mastered this simple task. She *IS* 16. One morning she had to be somewhere early, so I told her not to worry about her bed, I'd straighten it for her.

I took the duvet off the top to straighten the sheet and saw this.

This is how she'd slept the previous night. It MUST have been uncomfortable! So, I guess, conventional parenting wisdom, the type that says, they'll soon learn to do it properly if they get uncomfortable is wrong then. For some reason, the sight of my daughter's unmade bed reduced me to tears. It seemed to sum up everything that frustrates me and causes me to feel like a useless parent. I taught her this task when she was three. She practised it with me for several years. I left her to do it right or face the consequences (an uncomfortable night) yet she is still not capable of doing it. Years of training has not worked.

She can find any song anywhere in our cd collection after having seen it once. She can hear a new worship song and know it and the harmonies which go with it almost instantly. She can remember a specific smell from 13-14 years ago. She remembers the name of just about everyone we ever met. And other assorted weird talents. But she cannot put the cheese grater away or make her bed.

I made her bed for her. I prayed all my motherly hopes and fears into the 'hospital corners' and trusted her to God.